Oh, God— some days it gets so heavy. Everyone seems to turn to me for every tiny detail, when the bigger issues–of health, and home, and wholeness– are really the weight that I feel. It feels as though I’m re-acting instead of pro-acting… and each doctor’s visit brings more news to add onto the pile. The paperwork and bills and the medications add up, and what was so worrying a few years ago now seems just… silly. Or the kids just keep asking questions, and the quiet that used to be so easily reachable is now just a dream.
People look at me with knowing-but-unknowing glances, they assume that all is well, they see the carefully constructed mask I’ve worn. Yet, some days, coming home from work feels like even more work. God, on those days, I just pray for peace. For twenty minutes to sit by myself and not worry. It’s so difficult to let go.
God almighty, I pray for clarity. That in the midst of this adventure, I can still find moments of laughter and joy. That I can still cherish time spend with my loved ones. That this new chapter of caregiving does not shift my memories of the person I knew before, but enriches my thanksgiving for the life that is lived to the fullest, with all of it’s ups and downs and roundabouts.
Lord God, I pray for strength. I pray that I can be the person that others think I am, in the midst of all of this. I pray that my shoulders carry the burden gracefully, or that in those moments where I slip up, I am forgiven by my loved ones, as I already know I am forgiven by you. And on that note, God, help me forgive others around me for the words they say without thinking.
Loving one, I pray for support. . From those around me, in little ways …and especially from you. Because, God, I’m tired. We know Jesus Christ reminds us all, “Come to me, you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” I pray, God, that I can, even if but for a moment, release all this unto you to find rest for my soul. I offer all this up to you… this prayer, all my caregiving, all my burdens… knowing that you will hold it for me, that you know, fully, what my life looks like right now, and that you love me unconditionally as I figure out a way through. All this I pray in your name, Jesus, Amen.